Being me...

"drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night waist deep in thought because when I think of you I don't feel so alone" - Owl City

So I came to this realization today after I watched an indie gay movie call "Almost Normal". It was a good movie, I actually think I may have seen some of it previously but never the whole movie. Regardless.. I came to the realization that I am an Aquarian. I am tried and true the exact definition of an Aquarius... a dreamer.

I don't know why this was such a revelation to me but it was. I am beginning to really understand even more so how I tick. I will watch a movie or read a book and get lost in it. I come to at the end of it with a new sense of how love and life should be. At times I often even try to script life to the story that I want to be told, but believe me when I tell you that this doesn't hardly ever work out.

Anyways, so I watch this movie and I have this overwhelming calm come over me. I realize that life is so short and that I live in the past way too much. I have fears and worries about things that should not be of a concern for me. I am 24, I am successful, I have nice things and a good job. I have and I am making a lot of friends, all of whom have been an awesome support to my journey that I have lived thus far. So I have come to this conclusion ( for as long as this fleeting inspiration stays with me) I have a timetable only for life. Life for me means work, friends, and home. If someone during this time in their life at 24 decided that they were not going to be serious about life ( in the definition I just gave it) they could possibly be setting themselves up for failure. With no career, income, home, or friends it makes for a unstable foundation that is needed in order to build the rest of your life upon.

I for one am going to stop putting a timetable on love, an aspect of LIFE that doesn't have a prerequisite for the remainder of life. Love can come at any moment and can leave in mere minutes or hours so why focus energies on finding it and keeping it when it can be something that can come later.

Can I tell you a secret... my biggest fear: I will never find and keep love. While these thoughts still plague my mind the fact remains that there are far more important items that have much sooner deadlines to meet then love.

Welcome to the world of a dreamer... until I am inspired next.. thanks for reading!

All day I dream about .....

"I know your scared, yeah you've been burned, but I would never hurt you like that. If you take a chance I am not like them, them, them." - Kelly Clarkson

So introspection has become a sport for me. I enjoy finding out what emotions and fears motivate my actions and emotions. I am so very calculated when my head is clear. When the lions emotions don't overcome me I am planned and precise. I know what prompts my emotions, I know what inspires my words and when the dust settles it is usually to reach a common goal.

As of late though the lion in me has overcome the calculated side of me. My life is run by emotion, lust and desire. I am controlled by the one I want the most and fear of losing what I have has become a full time job for my brain. Naturally I don't enjoy to be the receiver of a not in control relationship because intentions can never be as pure as mine. The selfish gain that I gain when I am in control is rarely used to harm but rather to ensure stability and a secured relationship.

So now on to the purpose of this post I suppose. Although I find that I enjoy talking about my problem in a more third party logical way. Either way - the end result is my emotions a lot of times refuse to be satisfied until they are pasted upon a page.

What level does sex play in a relationship - how does it rule the way that you think and act? How can one aspect of a relationship undermine the thoughts of security and love of the others. In my previous post I spoke about sex as being loveless sometimes. Inside the walls of a relationship though for me it is the most powerful expression of "I love you". For me the act doesn't just fulfill the lusty need for an orgasm or the desire to be wanted. While the two are definitely a part of the allure of sex and the end result of having it, sex to me is more of an expression.

Entertain for me please for just a moment the thought I want to share. When a relationship is first being nurtured the desire and lust make for a sexual experience that is more about exploring and uncovering - very lustful indeed as the two find out more about each other. As time progresses though and the relationship matures the experimenting and experiencing fades as the main purpose. You love this individual and you know exactly what can be done to make them feel good. Sex now is an expression of your love. It is a way of saying "I love you" without saying "I love you". Imagine that, an Aquarius wanting to be creative in the ways of expressing himself.

So then the more rhetorical question is asked, what happens when the sex isn't there? For the one that uses it as an outlet of expression to tell their partner that they love and care about them, that they want nothing more than pleasure for them. How does that affect the relationship?

Love and Attraction

"Love and attraction is like sex and passion, it's two ends of the spectrum... are you a friend or a lover, now pick one or the other" -Darren Hayes

Dare I really broach this subject. It's not as if this type of topic isn't already plastered upon every persons mind especially when they consider homosexual relationships. Let me digress...

I was asked the other day by a co-worker, Do gay men even have monogamous relationships? While I couldn't blame her for her own ignorance I was more appalled with the thought that people really think that. Perception is reality so for many reality says that the "gay community" is promiscuous and therefore where is the line between promiscuity and monogamy?

Rather than open that subject up the purpose of this post was to discuss the difference between sex and passion, love and attraction, and what level monogamy plays in actually loving someone. I have a really disillusioned belief when it comes what role monogamy plays in loving someone. I used disillusioned to describe it because I receive much "heat" for this stance.

Simply put I truly feel that the act of sexual intercourse has little to do with actually loving someone. For one, a couple could of never had relations and they still get married and stay with each other until it does occur. Supposedly our puritan roots dictate to us that this is the preferred and "right" way of doing things. Logic dictates that if one is able to still love another without having sex with them then sex has little to do with not loving someone. Un-cryptically said, if I have sex with someone else when we are dating that doesn't mean that I love you any less.

I am familiar with the counter argument to this stance that having sex with someone else is disrespectful for the other partner and I can appreciate those emotions. I ask this though, why is it disrespectful? If the person still loves the other no less than before, why is it a problem that they had loveless sex with another?