What Christmas is all about...

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love ~ Faith Hill

It's so true that Christmas changes, from when we are younger it is all about Santa Clause and making lists that will be fulfilled only if we have been "nice" all year. It's about stockings hung on the wall or the fireplace mantle and staying up as long as you can just to see a glimpse of the illusive "Santa". It's about making sure that you've left milk and cookies at the table as a snack - and the excitement when there are bite marks and half way full glasses of cookies leftover in the morning.

As you grow up, Christmas grows up as well, it becomes for some a holiday to remember the birth of Jesus, and for others like myself, it becomes a "season" of giving. The long Christmas lists become a item of the past and they are replaced with long shopping lists.

Someone recently told me something I felt was profound, when you stop believing in Santa Clause personally is when you become "Santa Clause" to someone else. A cycle of sorts that I thought to be very true.

Another thing I realized to be true was that its no longer about the gifts you get instead it is about the gifts you give. At (almost) 25, I am at a place in my life where I don't "want" much and any wants I do have are normally self fulfilled or too expensive to burden another with. So this holiday I asked for very little and gave much more.

There was one gift that I received though that was priceless, a gift I never put on my list but means the world to me, it was a picture. My brother and his fiancée, being of little means gave me a picture of my nephew I will treasure for a long time. The picture (see above) is of my nephew holding a hand made WWE championship wrestling belt. Its made from brown card board with a black marker for the writing, two slits in the side for the belt to go through and mostly round so as to look like the belt the wrestlers wear when they are the champ...

When I was young, 5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 - me and my brother used to make the same thing. I remember taking cardboard and cutting out the "titles" for use in our downstairs wrestling matches. To now see my nephew, with a around his waist (as we used to) is an awesome sight... a blast from the past and a very meaningful gift.

That's just to tell you that even the least expensive things can be a persons most favorite Christmas gift.... thank you Bro, thank you Sis.... and Merry Christmas to all!

Troy

Better go and get your armor...

"Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield" - Jordin Sparks

One time a good friend of mine gave me some really good advice, being the Libra woman that she is I couldn't of ever expected her to tell me anything outside of the cold hard straight truth - she said:

"We have a saying in Spanish that describes the way you are its,

"Ladron judzga por su condicion" or "A thief judges by his own condition"

What she said that day rang true so deep to my heart, I remember being taken back at first by her frankness, and then really meditating on the words that she said.

I am a weird person, no doubt, when it comes to relationships, I often challenge the norm and ask the tough questions of "why" and "who said so" for many of the items that come standard for many in relationships.

I think of sex as an expression of ones self and often feel like its can be loveless if need be

I believe that there is a difference in filling an urge and making love and one shouldn't be faulted for urges

I consider honesty the absolute best answer if you have knowingly stepped outside the confines of the relationship you are in. Important to add is these are your confines, not the ones that everyone else puts on relationships, yours and your partners.

So one could say I am a bit liberal and progressive in my ideas regarding a relationship (said nicely), but normally I try to conform to the "laws" that come standard with any relationship I've had. I have been sucessful at times and unsuccessful at others, simply put and to make my point, I understand failures.

I have really never truly been cheated on, the closest that I have gotten to that was being lied to about the "company" that was being kept. I can remember that time and I remember being so hurt, my afterthoughts were considering whether I truly actually did feel they way I have always said I felt regarding sex, "cheating", and relationships.

I do though, what hurt me the most was the lying. I was led to believe one thing, and then discovered quite another. I really do try to live by this... if I mess up, I am looking to make amends and seek forgiveness right away while some may hide the fact and be deceitful.

Odd I know but I would rather have someone I was dating have sex outside of our relationship and tell me about it then have sex and never tell me about it. There is a power gained by knowledge, by clearing the air and ensuring that all parties are privy to the feelings, emotions, and actions that led to that point. Otherwise what is the result? One could have sex outside of the relationship and begin to have additional feelings for that person - that is what hurts, its being blindsided by the fact that there are holes in your relationship that were never communicated and cannot be fixed, something that makes someone want to love someone else.

Atlas, in this life I need to learn a lesson, I need to not judge others by my deeds but rather judge them by their own... just because I would have done an action given a situation doesn't mean they will as well. I would like to say that this lesson is going to be an easy one for me to swallow but multiple layers of pain and tears later... I doubt it..

Troy

insights into their heart...

What are we supposed to do after all that we've been through. When everything that felt so right is wrong, now that love is gone
- David Guetta

Love is such a fickle emotion, like a rising tide it sweeps in and rumbles the unexpected shore and then after just a few short moments rides back out to sea leaving the shore as it is less a few thousand grains of sand. Likewise love will sweep into our lives and leave us just as quickly - still intact just a little less of us.

This feeling of a fleeting love I thought once only existed for those who are young and inexperienced in life, but as I've come to know now - love is fleeting at any age.

What ever happened to the adage of "death do us part"? Why do we treat our relationships and our commitments as a commodity that can be returned or exchanged after "a good try". As many of you know I live my life precariously through literature and movies - I script my life ( especially my love life) like a movie and I love the moments that turn out to be "breath taking" and "amazing". For me the idea of loving then leaving is a hard concept to grasp, especially for the reasons that many leave.

Imagine for a moment couples who have endured torture together, couples who have lived on almost nothing, couples that that trekked our great country and survived to raise a family. Are we so one sighted to believe that one of the spouses in the partnership were doubtful of a "happy" outcome... and still they continued.. they trekked.. they suffered... they endured.. together.

The highlights of your life are never your birth or your death, its always the journeys and experiences that are the true highlights. How tried and true is your love unless you endure the difficulties and enjoy the prosperity? How fair is it to ride out the prosperity and vanish for the difficulties? Why was sticking around good for our great grandparents and those before them, despite the difficulties their generations faced, and we cannot adopt that sense of commitment, that sense of the word "I love you", the true sense of "death do us part"?

I suppose I am a little old fashioned but I would take a gamble and say we have endured nothing as couples in our "age" unlike those before us... and yet our happy ending is always so pivotal - our happy ending is always based on the last happy experience...

How I wish this wasn't the case.

Being me...

"drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night waist deep in thought because when I think of you I don't feel so alone" - Owl City

So I came to this realization today after I watched an indie gay movie call "Almost Normal". It was a good movie, I actually think I may have seen some of it previously but never the whole movie. Regardless.. I came to the realization that I am an Aquarian. I am tried and true the exact definition of an Aquarius... a dreamer.

I don't know why this was such a revelation to me but it was. I am beginning to really understand even more so how I tick. I will watch a movie or read a book and get lost in it. I come to at the end of it with a new sense of how love and life should be. At times I often even try to script life to the story that I want to be told, but believe me when I tell you that this doesn't hardly ever work out.

Anyways, so I watch this movie and I have this overwhelming calm come over me. I realize that life is so short and that I live in the past way too much. I have fears and worries about things that should not be of a concern for me. I am 24, I am successful, I have nice things and a good job. I have and I am making a lot of friends, all of whom have been an awesome support to my journey that I have lived thus far. So I have come to this conclusion ( for as long as this fleeting inspiration stays with me) I have a timetable only for life. Life for me means work, friends, and home. If someone during this time in their life at 24 decided that they were not going to be serious about life ( in the definition I just gave it) they could possibly be setting themselves up for failure. With no career, income, home, or friends it makes for a unstable foundation that is needed in order to build the rest of your life upon.

I for one am going to stop putting a timetable on love, an aspect of LIFE that doesn't have a prerequisite for the remainder of life. Love can come at any moment and can leave in mere minutes or hours so why focus energies on finding it and keeping it when it can be something that can come later.

Can I tell you a secret... my biggest fear: I will never find and keep love. While these thoughts still plague my mind the fact remains that there are far more important items that have much sooner deadlines to meet then love.

Welcome to the world of a dreamer... until I am inspired next.. thanks for reading!

All day I dream about .....

"I know your scared, yeah you've been burned, but I would never hurt you like that. If you take a chance I am not like them, them, them." - Kelly Clarkson

So introspection has become a sport for me. I enjoy finding out what emotions and fears motivate my actions and emotions. I am so very calculated when my head is clear. When the lions emotions don't overcome me I am planned and precise. I know what prompts my emotions, I know what inspires my words and when the dust settles it is usually to reach a common goal.

As of late though the lion in me has overcome the calculated side of me. My life is run by emotion, lust and desire. I am controlled by the one I want the most and fear of losing what I have has become a full time job for my brain. Naturally I don't enjoy to be the receiver of a not in control relationship because intentions can never be as pure as mine. The selfish gain that I gain when I am in control is rarely used to harm but rather to ensure stability and a secured relationship.

So now on to the purpose of this post I suppose. Although I find that I enjoy talking about my problem in a more third party logical way. Either way - the end result is my emotions a lot of times refuse to be satisfied until they are pasted upon a page.

What level does sex play in a relationship - how does it rule the way that you think and act? How can one aspect of a relationship undermine the thoughts of security and love of the others. In my previous post I spoke about sex as being loveless sometimes. Inside the walls of a relationship though for me it is the most powerful expression of "I love you". For me the act doesn't just fulfill the lusty need for an orgasm or the desire to be wanted. While the two are definitely a part of the allure of sex and the end result of having it, sex to me is more of an expression.

Entertain for me please for just a moment the thought I want to share. When a relationship is first being nurtured the desire and lust make for a sexual experience that is more about exploring and uncovering - very lustful indeed as the two find out more about each other. As time progresses though and the relationship matures the experimenting and experiencing fades as the main purpose. You love this individual and you know exactly what can be done to make them feel good. Sex now is an expression of your love. It is a way of saying "I love you" without saying "I love you". Imagine that, an Aquarius wanting to be creative in the ways of expressing himself.

So then the more rhetorical question is asked, what happens when the sex isn't there? For the one that uses it as an outlet of expression to tell their partner that they love and care about them, that they want nothing more than pleasure for them. How does that affect the relationship?

Love and Attraction

"Love and attraction is like sex and passion, it's two ends of the spectrum... are you a friend or a lover, now pick one or the other" -Darren Hayes

Dare I really broach this subject. It's not as if this type of topic isn't already plastered upon every persons mind especially when they consider homosexual relationships. Let me digress...

I was asked the other day by a co-worker, Do gay men even have monogamous relationships? While I couldn't blame her for her own ignorance I was more appalled with the thought that people really think that. Perception is reality so for many reality says that the "gay community" is promiscuous and therefore where is the line between promiscuity and monogamy?

Rather than open that subject up the purpose of this post was to discuss the difference between sex and passion, love and attraction, and what level monogamy plays in actually loving someone. I have a really disillusioned belief when it comes what role monogamy plays in loving someone. I used disillusioned to describe it because I receive much "heat" for this stance.

Simply put I truly feel that the act of sexual intercourse has little to do with actually loving someone. For one, a couple could of never had relations and they still get married and stay with each other until it does occur. Supposedly our puritan roots dictate to us that this is the preferred and "right" way of doing things. Logic dictates that if one is able to still love another without having sex with them then sex has little to do with not loving someone. Un-cryptically said, if I have sex with someone else when we are dating that doesn't mean that I love you any less.

I am familiar with the counter argument to this stance that having sex with someone else is disrespectful for the other partner and I can appreciate those emotions. I ask this though, why is it disrespectful? If the person still loves the other no less than before, why is it a problem that they had loveless sex with another?